This Week

Today my friend Hanan and I hosted a brunch for women of color. We invited three friends- two were able to come. It was pretty successful. I spoke about how meditation has slowly been transforming my life by allowing me to see my mental patterns. I also talked about how I haven't been as depressed as I was three weeks ago because of meditation. This process has been both strange and rewarding. My life is still not "together." But I feel like I've been coming to peace. However, I still have mental patterns that create suffering that I sometimes fall back into. I actually experienced this tonight, after the gathering. I actually started to chide myself for being peaceful in the face of my job situation, and felt my mind fill with doubt about my meditation practice. This has lifted somewhat, and I'm still committed to the practice. Anyway, I decided to continue with the public intentions.

Sia's Intentions for Week of October 18th

Monday

♥ Claim unemployment
♥ Get TB test results
♥ Fax TB test results
♥ Email JB about telephone number
♥ Documentary film @ 6:30 PM
♥ Pack 2 weeks of clothing for folks' house

Tuesday

♥ Shambhala Center Dharma teaching ($5 suggested)

Wednesday

♥ Start packing two boxes a day for moving re: this website
♥ Volunteer orientation @ 6:30 PM
♥ Wear purple for LGBT youth solidarity

Thursday

♥ Pack 2 more boxes
♥ Bluestockings @ 7 PM: Anti-American Manifesto

Friday

♥ Pack 2 more boxes

Saturday

♥ Pack 2 more boxes
♥ Listen to Pop and Politics @ 2 PM or 8 PM

Sunday

♥ Pack 2 more boxes
♥ Listen to Pop and Politics @ 8 PM
♥ Attend WOC Sangha @ 2 PM

Update

I've decided to forgo posting public intentions for this week. At first, it was because I was depressed and unmotivated. Now that I've gotten re-motivated, it's just not practical this late in the week. I'm thinking about keeping the week intentions in pen and paper format. We'll see.

Intentions...Late

Okay y'all. I'm trying to get back on my A game. Last week I spent a lot of time moping around in bed. It was a difficult week for me, with a few bright spots here and there, including my friend from Cali visiting, and a card in the mail from another friend. Folks are definitely kind but this unemployment shit truly sucks. Ass. On the other hand, I've learned to not give a fuck about a lot of things that used to press me. Mostly things I felt would give me social status, like how cool I was or wasn't. How cute I was or wasn't. How smart or knowledgeable other folks saw me. At this point, I'm at the igaf stage. As I go through the foolishness called "the grind," I realize more and more that I really have to depend on myself. And don't be alarmed. I still believe in community. Very much so. I KNOW my ass needs people. But I've been realizing that I need to be very strong from within, because sometimes the people just aren't there. For whatEVER reason. Not because they don't care. But because life just happens like that sometimes. It's been an interesting journey. But I'm making it through, one step at a time.

But anyway. Having said alla THAT. Here are some things I will commit to this week. And yes, some of them have already been accomplished. I'm still gon write them down.

♥Sia's Intentions for October 4th-October 10th♥

MONDAY

♥ Claim unemployment online

TUESDAY

♥ Supamovement Meeting
♥ Prepare for interview on Wednesday (youtube, clothing, metrocard money)

WEDNESDAY

♥ Interview at 1:30 PM w.Chocolate shop

THURSDAY

♥ Meet with Hanan
♥ AAPRP?
♥ Spoken word with Phoebe

FRIDAY

♥ Open Mic event (maybe)
♥ Artist date event (writing)

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

♥ Contact Billy and crew
♥ Radical Educator's Group at Bluestockings 12:30-2PM

ALL WEEK/EVERY DAY

♥ Read "Please Don't Bomb the Suburbs"
♥ Finish "The Love"
♥ Go to Bluestockings Wednesday-Saturday to read "Anarchism and Education"
♥ See Jules on Wed, Thurs or Friday
♥ Type up poems
♥ Internet graffiti-ing hehe (25+ messages)
♥ Email Keems re:next meeting

This Week

First of all, let me just say how excited I am that one of my Jam friends is coming from Oakland to visit us in New York...I am soooooooooooooooo excited for Julie to come!!!! :-)

Right now I'm listening to this man named Abdur Raheem Green (yes...Green) on youtube, a convert to Islam. He's actually very intelligent. I like listening to him but I don't think I could ever be an Islamic fundamentalist (I use fundamentalist in the sense of it being the only spiritual practice that I draw guidance from, not in the *other* sense). As I develop my spirituality, I am drawing from Buddhism, Ifa and possibly Islam, the religion I was born into but left when I was about 15. But I also just love studying religions and seeing the connections between them, particularly at their root. It's kinda like how I've been studying music recently, listening to Bessie Smith and bold ass Ma Rainey, et all, and figuring out the links between the different musical styles that have been created. I love it. But yea.

So, over the past couple of days I've been a bit despondent. I've felt immobilized and worn. I haven't heard back from Barnes and Noble after having an interview with them Friday. I thought the interview went very well - I really liked the manager and she seemed to like me - however I don't think I could really hide how much I truly didn't want to work part time in a cafe for minimum wage. I mean, I do need a job, and I'm prepared to do what I have to do, but my heart wouldn't be in something like that. I'd be dragging my feet (internally). But anyway.

I decided that I need to get cracking on my intentions for this week, anyway, even though my spirits are not the highest. I have to propel myself out of this rut, and this has been one technique that's been working. Here goes:

Sia's Intentions for the Week of 9*27*10

♥ Call the sub organization on Wednesday or Thursday re:interview
♥ Continue to meditate for 7 minutes each day
♥ Cat proof my bedroom for Julie's visit
♥ Visit the Food Stamps office

Okay y'all, speaking of Food Stamps, I really gotta run, so I'll finish these intentions when I get back!! ♥

---Later, like at 12:26 AM---

I'm back. I had a stressful, emotional day running around dealing with money issues. I actually cried in the Food Stamp center, a scenario I will not recount on here. Maybe it's the wobbling moon.

Anyway. Here are the rest of my intentions:

♥ Research New York State representatives and those who are running
♥ Become familiar with Billy Wimsatt's work
♥ Get Food Stamp stuff straightened out
♥ Read and leave a comment on 25-50 articles re:politics and activism and the "supermovement"
♥ Hang out with LPSC NY Jamily
♥ Type 30-40 poems
♥ Meet with Keems re: book project Oct 2nd @ 2pm
♥ Create email folder for book project
♥ Create sample book layout re: book project (bp)
♥ Begin literature review re: bp
♥ Search for stats re:bp
♥ Create possible guiding questions for entries re:bp
♥ Do a little bit (a min of an hour per day) of each project daily: jobs, bp, supermovement, poems
♥ Select an "Artist's Day" for myself and STICK to it. This week's focus: writing
♥ Update my "Master Plan" (perhaps make a weekly schedule where each day is devoted to something different)
♥ Clean my house
♥ Wash my sheets at my parent's house (Tuesday)
♥ Eat well
♥ Sleep well
♥ Decide if I will apply for this scholarship
♥ Make some products from this article
♥ Continue my musical explorations
♥ Vision board work
♥ Cat food and kitty litter (can't wait til I can afford the pine kind again)

Boot Strap Intentions

Ok. I'm really tired. After having an emotionally grueling week, I went on a "productivity" frenzy today. (Or rather, Sunday. It's now past midnight.) First of all, I made the decision to spend $27 of my presently very limited funds on an unlimited week metrocard. I was debating with myself earlier today about it, telling myself that I'd have to use it at least three times each day in the coming week in order for it to be worth it. I decided to buy it because I became resolved to find SOME kind of job this week, by walking into business establishments on foot all around the city. If I kept buying $10 cards, I'd proably run out of cash! So I decided to suck it up and buy the week pass. I'm putting my ALL into this coming week, because after the week is up, it's back to ride-by-ride metrocards.

Secondly, I attended a meditation class at the IDP. I was the only participant and the instructor couldn't get into the building, so we wound up meditating at this beautiful little hidden park across the street that I'm totally going to revisit. The class was really good for me! It helped remind me of the ever-changing nature of both my internal world of thought and the reality outside of me by encouraging me to be present with "what is." A great way to counterbalance feelings of being "stuck" and ideas that nothing is ever gonna change. Shit changes every instant. And it's important for me to take time to notice it. This week I'm definitely gonna plan to meditate 5 minutes a day. The instructor recommended I do this just so I could begin to get into the practice of noticing my body and my thoughts. I'm going to definitely do this! As well as attend a meditation class weekly so I can meditate in community, as well. I think I may stick with the IDP. If not, Shambhala.

Thirdly, after meditation, I went all across town so a couple of libraries, a Whole Foods, a Barnes and Noble, and a Borders Bookstore. So yea, so far the week pass is paying off. I probably would've spent $10 today alone if I brought a ride-by-ride metro card. I found out that I had to apply online for many of these businesses, so when I got home, I actually MADE DINNER (I'd been eating a mix of pasta, tuna, grilled cheese and peanut butter jelly sandwiches, cold cereal, popeye's, chips and yogurt all week. I think that's my "I'm depressed" menu....) and then I got to work on the online applications. Now I'm thinking about my coming week, obviously. So, in that spirit, here are some intentions for this week:

♥ Meditate for five minutes each morning - yes! goal accomplished
♥ Email myself a list of business I want to visit on foot this week (Monday; 15-30 businesses)
♥ Create a letter for my boss to sign for Food Stamps (Monday)
♥ Apply for unemployment BEFORE picking up signed letter (Monday/Tuesday)
♥ Create another letter explaining how my contract ended (Monday)
♥ Visit school for signatures (Monday/Tuesday)
♥ Visit Food Stamps Office with extra docs Monday/Tuesday
♥ Contact Blake from tutoring org about scheduling kids and fingerprinting (Monday)
♥ Spend Monday and Tuesday working on BELL classes
♥ Send out invites for WOC brunch
♥ Bluestockings on Thursday, Friday, Saturday ($5) and/or Sunday
♥ Shambhala Dharma talk on Tuesday (donation based)
♥ Send Austin the revised WOC doc
♥ Yoga twice this week
♥ Start working on some work for book project (lit review, stats etc.)
♥ Henna my nails
♥ Create rec letter and send off application (Wednesday/Thursday)
♥ Email person from Radical Educator's group
♥ Finish Freire
♥ Contact Phoebe
♥ Contact Kish
♥ Visit orthodontist and explain my situation (Tuesday or Wednesday)
♥ Call Hunter's Bursar
♥ Call Bank of America regarding claim
♥ Call T-Mobile on Thursday or Friday
♥ Apply for jobs from Feminist website and idealist (1-2 per day)
♥ Add more images to my vision board*
♥ Type up 30-50 poems - only did about ten
♥ Get groceries (Thursday/Friday)
♥ IDP on Sunday
♥ Eat well this week
♥ Bedtime by 2:00 AM - HAH!!!
♥ Volunteer app for Greenmarket http://www.grownyc.org/volunteer#greenmarket
♥ Call Juva Spa Tuesday or Wednesday
♥ See if I owe any money on my library account - yep, owe $9.00
♥ Get copy of Anarchism and Education by Judith Suissa from library
♥ Put Ramona in touch with my mom Tuesday or Wednesday


*Also...I started the vision board thing again last week. But this time, I made five general sections that represent parts of my life I seek fulfillment within: career, activism, spirituality, interpersonal relationships and art. A blurry pic of part of it is above.

So this post is going to be about my intentions for this week, of course. This is a helpful motivational tool for me. I did NOT want to get out of bed today (and seeing as how I'm unemployed, I technically didn't HAVE to). I was feeling rather unmotivated and tired. But after writing my morning pages and mapping out the things I needed to get done today, I willed myself to get out of bed and be productive. YES, it's frustrating to write dozens of job applications and not hear a peep from 99.9% of them. But I told myself that I have to look at this as a game of probability. I can't really engage with how depressing it is while I search, because then I become immobilized and create NO chances for me to work. I have to write many applications in an almost mechanical fashion just so they'll get done. (Admittedly, some days I simply won't do anything. Because it's exhausting and I can't ALWAYS be mechanical. Like yesterday. ALL I did was braid my hair and sit around. But today will be different, Insha'allah.)

OK, here goes.

Intentions For This Week:

♥ Send out revised "Manifesto" for brunch gatherings - Just did this! 9/19/10
♥ Email Phoebe, Cymone and Akeema about Sunday Feminist brunch - Pheebs couldn't make it; I figured Cymone and Keems wouldn't be particularly interested, and I ended up not going anyway!
♥ Attend Sunday Feminist Brunch - see above
♥ Meet with Akeema concerning book project - Productive meeting! This is going to be a fun ride
♥ Send out brunch gathering invite - not done yet
♥ Send Bank of America my claim - umhm. Gotta call these fools 9/20/2010
♥ Update my personal "master plan" (LOL.) - will do next week
♥ Fill out and return Bluestockings volunteer app - done
♥ Contact Nelnet concerning my student loan - not done
♥ Type 50 poems - wasn't particularly motivated to do this one!
♥ Make a collage using the magazines on the floor
♥ Clean my house - eh. not bolding this cuz I could've done a way better job
♥ Refresh my ancestral altar
♥ Determine what would go into an altar for myself
♥ 13-20 hours of job searching - but I did apply to mad jobs on Sunday! MAD. On foot, online
♥ Volunteer with the Audre Lorde Project - aw. next time.
♥ Find out how to join the Malcolm X Grassroots Movement
♥ FINISH Pedagogy of the Oppressed - got a few pages left
♥ Go to bed by 2 AM each night - ha!
♥ Do morning yoga/sun salutations 4 times
♥ Drink enough water and eat enough healthy food
♥ Get my eyebrows done
♥ Manicure/pedicure (done by me of course)
♥ Get $50 from SOMEWHERE to make a deposit on my T-Mobile bill by Thurs - thanks Mom
♥ Visit home to pick up items from Mom

ok...off I go to shower, yoga, and job apps!!

~sia

Hello Again

Hello world!

So let's see. It's Thursday. I've had a fairly busy week. On Monday, I went to the Parkway with my friend Akeema to celebrate Brooklyn's version of Carnival. I purchased an Antiguan flag, too! Since my grandma on my father's side and her people are Antiguan. I still need to visit. The flag is now hanging above the rainbow flag I purchased from NYC Pride two years ago. Mira! (SN: I should really learn Spanish tho. EndNote). I spent a night in Harlem that night, where she lives.

On Tuuuesday, I went back to Brooklyn. I didn't really do much of anything besides feed my cat, who was going crazy in my absence (I had been gone for two days. Smh. Lol.) Later that evening, I prepared my clothing and resume for a group interview with another tutoring/enrichment teaching organization.

On Wednesday, I did the group interview. I think I got it but it's not full time. Thus, not ideal.

Today's Thursday. I had an interview earlier this afternoon for a college counselor position which I'm STOKED about (they're the first people to call me back in MONTHS!). HOWEVER, they told me that the top candidates will have to go through a SECOND interview process. That deflated me a bit. All I'm thinking about these days is the debt I'm getting into as my bills keep on piling up. Again, I don't regret leaving my previous job (I've been hearing from former co-workers that teachers are on the verge of breaking down ALREADY, and a new teacher has already quit...I had to leave that environment), but it is SO HARD to find something. I was lying down a little while ago feeling depressed, knowing that I needed to muster up the energy to put out 5 more applications. I finally decided to get up and set my intentions for the rest of this week. This is something that I will do each week for as long as it serves me. YES, I'm getting an incredibly late start on this (due to the busyness of everything!), but there are still a few days left!

(Oh yea: tomorrow I'm going to Six Flags to celebrate Eid with my family. I would rather NOT go as I could be applying to job applications and/or using the money my mom spent on my ticket for a bill but what they heck. I may as well enjoy time spent with my family.)

So without further ado, intentions:

♥ Call T-Mobile to find out WHY I owe them $800 (SMH) - whoop, done! still owe a pretty penny but got some unfair charges taken off, thank god
♥ Contact Nelnet to discuss forbearance - still need to do
♥ Get updates about my fingerprints! SMH - update: prints are cleared! now waiting on them to send to my employers
♥ 5 job applications - yea. between celebrating Eid, attending a Muslim solidarity rally and sleeping, this ain't get done.
♥ 10 poems typed - done! whew, it's late
♥ Create agenda for meeting with Hanan about Dinner Gatherings - done! and sent!
♥ Finish Pedagogy of the Oppressed
♥ Attend Radical Educator's Study Group - omg it was at thei bookstore called bluestockings. i'm now going to be there ALL THE TIME!!
♥ Research old job bonus (forreal) - done. waiting on second reply
♥ Reschedule orthodontist appointment - i need to pay 'em a visit
♥ Annddd...the book project research!! - done! sent!

Aight let's get crackin'

I am over here in my hot ass apartment burning up and wishing I was elsewhere. The vision boards I started to create a few months back? I took them down when I got back from Cali. They originally gave me an initial sense of order...but it wasn't enough because I was still so scattered and unclear. Honestly my trip away was one thing that helped center me. I have a better sense of where to search but the jobs aren't coming my way. I guess it's the recession.

One thing I need to work on is routine. I've gotten better at dealing with procrastination over the years but I still find myself battling some elements of it. Namely, my tendency to go about completing tasks on my daily agenda in an unstructured way and then suddenly finding myself on various social networking sites for way too long. Which means I ultimately get less done during the course of a day. Oh trust, this is much better than getting NOTHING done, which used to be the story of my LIFE, but I know I can be a lot more productive if I become a bit more routinized. For instance, in addition to applying to jobs, I want to type up all of the poetry that I've written. I just want to have the poems available in case I ever decide I want to publish anything. Not that I consider myself a master poet. But I think at least some of my stuff is good. But I haven't gotten to that yet, and I planned to type up 50 poems this week (10 per day).

But the night is not over. I can still get some poems typed up if I start within 10 minutes, which I will do. But first, let me show you the intentions I've set for the week. These are the things I want to be able to look back on come Sunday evening and say I've done. I'll bold the item whenever I've completed a task:

♥ Go to yoga class
♥ Do yoga at home twice
♥ Type 50 poems - typed 20ish
♥ Research ideas for Zane's book project
♥ Spend 15-20 hours searching for jobs (3-4 hours per day)
♥ Research getting the bonus I was supposed to get from my school for missing very few days
♥ Get my fingerprinting issues straightened out so I can tutor kids - mofos still playing around
♥ Get my eyebrows threaded
♥ Go to bed by 2 AM each night - did this two nights
♥ Eat a very balanced diet all week - mostly

Ok, in the spirit of that last intention, I'm going to sign off and eat dinner. I may add to this list if I missed something important!!