Fantasies.
But as part of preparation for the grad school program, I have to take a couple of online workshops. One of them is entitled "School Violence Prevention," and there's a segment on suicide. It just got me thinking...about how navigating adolescence in our society is so tricky, and confusing, and downright depressing at times...how much support a child/young adult needs to be able to rise above the impulse of killing themselves off before their life has even actually begun...I wonder if there is anyone who has not thought at one point in their lives that they would rather be dead, especially at any point in adolescence...I wonder if fighting off the urge to kill oneself is a familiar narrative in the human story? And it can be such a strong impulse...Suicide can seem so seductive when it feels as if there is no way out of the small, restrictive, airtight narrow space that might be one's life under certain circumstances and points in time. The less support that a child/teen/young adult has in dealing with rage and depression and despair...the easier it is to be seduced. (And by "less" I'm not referring to quantity, as if there is a set formula of what "support" looks like for every soul. Everybody is different...but I think EVERYONE needs more than just their own internal dialogue when these kinds of feelings arise. An external system of support is needed to help redirect the flow of conversation going on inside. When you're depressed there is nothing presently inside of you that can make it better, because all the stuff unfolding inside you is what's chaining you to your depression; sitting alone with your thoughts without reaching out to or having access to SOME external anchor to help ground you can just make it worse.)
I think for me, the period of my life that was really hard for me...where shit inside just hurt so much, and I was dealing with this uncontrollable depression and inward rage and feeling as if my insides were just going to bust apart from all the shit it was holding onto were my first two years of college.
When I was 18. 19.
I remember wanting to die on a regular basis. I thought about what it would be like to take my life.
But I never became suicidal to the point where I actually made conscious, direct attempts to take my own life. I never quite crossed over into that land. Luckily it got better before it got worse though...it just scares me that that's not the case for so many young people.
::Moment of silence::
I wrote so much, trying to get the shit all out. I began to see a counselor (not a therapist, since oddly Hampton didn't have a licensed psychologist on staff to see students, but Ms. Cortez was still just what I needed at the time). But besides Ms. Cortez and my writings, I think another thing that anchored me while the storm was passing...was that I had 1/32nd of a glimmer of a vague belief, an ::audacious hope:: almost (the irony of paraphrasing Obama is not lost to me), that things might possibly be better in the future, if I could just make it through...
Growing old enough to have things happen to me that counterbalanced all the stupid shit has been such a blessing...growing old enough to really see that this shit called life is cyclical, that when storms come through, they're never there to stay forever...they only stay until they're done molding and changing you into the person you need to be to handle the next phase of your life, and some of what you will experience in that next phase will be untold joy and gratitude to the Creator that you decided to stay alive to see what was around the long bend, because it was better than anything that a premature death could've possibly given you.
As one of my friends says, life is such an adventure, even the sucky parts. Because you can be sure that there is something else coming around the corner. And it doesn't end...your soul is always on this journey to learn and evolve and pick up new shit
...and it is so beautiful despite its imperfections.
(p.s. if you're reading this and you are contemplating suicide, get help NOW. Contact one of these national, toll-free suicide hotlines:
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)
TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
<3
((Later on))
Yo...I have been listening to my old Res CD. I realizing again how much I fucking love whoever her songwriter is. Like, seriously. Thank you Res songwriters, write some moooreeee!!! And her voice is amazing. Like...I wish Res wasn't a one-CD wonder. It makes me sad :(
Like the dork that I kinda am, I wrote down some of my fav lyrics from her songs:
I could've sworn our future was set in stone/but I guess some things it's just as well for God to know/so now I concentrate on turning wrong to right/I'm gonna let go things I've held inside so tight/I'm gonna live and let forgive things said in spite/so clear out the smoke and usher in the light
-In Tsunami
And when the sun runs out/no doubts left standing/we'll see if Jah wills/that we're alone again/let love slip through our fingers I say
-In Let Love
Still come around when luck's down/you're all alone I'm sure (maybe you're scared to go...maybe you're scared to go)/Well I ain't gon be there for ya/And I ain't gon be your love no more
Tell you let's/push all excuses aside/don't worry about my feelings/what you've got something to hide? (so why you telling me those same old lies?)
If there ain't nothing/we can do/now then it's cool/but I'd rather be alone/than play like someone's fool
-In If There Ain't Nothing
Look as far as I can see/your head is blocking my TV (move out the way kid!)/what you want for me to say/I said whatever/go away
To get inside this head of mine/would take a monkey wrench/and a lot of wine
-In How I Do
Just another wasted one/like a fallen star in Babylon/you said I was your princess baby/I told you certain things you can't possess/so let me go, let me go/cuz I, I've given until I break/the ground beneath us quakes/how can we grow when we've only begun/forsaken beneath the sun
Although I've seen your wickedness/I still love your effervescence/and i know that loving you don't make no sense/I guess that's why I like it/Just another priceless pawn/all our dreams are now foregone
-In Ice King
Why don't you tell me what you're scared of/You make me breathe so easy/and I'm a mess with reminders of you
Impulse traveler/why can't you stay with me tonight/what your soul taste like baby/and all them tell me I should take it slow/Don't wanna find myself too deep in/So I keep stumbling
-In 700 Mile Situation
Industry's down think I've died and I've flown away/so so long to them thieves who came and took all the things to say
-In They Say Vision
Don't you get tired of the show/the kissing ass of all the people that you wanna know/when I was young I thought you had it won/I saw you on TV/you made life look fun/But years go by and people grow/I realized it's all a freak show
-In Golden Boys
Not soft but supple/come with all you've got/my wings won't ruffle/victory is sweet but I ain't scared to lose
In my house/the moon still shines in the day/but there's a lot of old bills I gotta pay
I'll be on my own/it don't matter-I'm grown/I won't be singing no sad songs in the lay/And I rub you wrong/Baby I come on strong/I got no mind to cushion what I say
-In The Hustler
One of these days, days/the gig is up/shouldn't we take the time now to show our love
Bye, bye roses/I've got me a hand that's bittersweet/but I don't care/I've known the garden
She was always my best friend/never late/coffee ice cream made her smile/and now she's left and gone away/and I'm here by myself another day
-In I've Known the Garden
