thoughts

i.

i love people who write.

Just a random thought. Writers are so introspective and often really quiet. But there are always storms brewing beneath their quiet veneer...always always. And they may not say anything but boy when they write it [whatever /it/ may be] out...when they spell out what they are thinking and feeling inside...you can just get blown away/you just get amazed. It's why they are so loved by me.


ii.
Growth.

This has been the theme of my existence for quite some time. I feel like i've just been so changed, so much more matured and so...chiseled. Yea thats it I feel like the past few months has been a /chiseling away of/ process for me, like shit has just been falling off of me that wasn't sustainable for grown womanhood. Like I've been stepping into myself much more fully, or like I've been a crushed and folded flower that is slowly opening itself up to the sun, expanding into my fullness and it is truly beautiful and I am truly thankful for the universe's many blessings, even the ones that come in full disguise to test my resolve and my...grownness

Like...I think I just felt so lonely/misunderstood for so much of my adolescence...tortured and confused and doubtful and afraid and unwilling and unable to see truth and beauty and love and light...and I'm counting college as part of my adolescence...in fact like I've mentioned before on this blog by some definitions adolescence lasts until about 25 since this is purportedly when the brain fully matures...but I think that I am at the end of that cycle...or maybe I'm at the beginning of the end...but things just look/feel/taste/smell so much different from this point of view

[ 1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things]

I've just lately been feeling so much more at peace...or so much more ready to make peace with myself...much more willing to claim the light

[now we're moving from the darkness into the light/this is the defining moments of our life india.arie]

i think it's because i've been


iii.
teaching.

i've been teaching. i've been growing in my teaching. it's been amazing/sacred/artful/consciousness opening and an honor to be entrusted with lives the way i have. i learn something new everyday about myself or the world or human nature. yesterday my heart was warmed when my co-teacher told the kids that i was going to be out on january 20th...and they sighed and said "aww man!"

it was so cute. <3

in teaching i've been blessed to discover and truly contemplate and meditate on the idea that the things that truly matter are the things that are inside of you...your character...your spirit...your intentions...your heart

[you teach who you are]

when i teach my shit is spread wide open for the kids to see and access and influence and be influenced by. i've learned that it doesn't matter if externally my shit is tight/my hair is perfectfully coiffed/my clothing is impeccable/my speech is fluent and filled with empty euphemisms

if inside my shit is not tight/my heart is bleeding/i am at war with any part of myself/i am losing sleep or health or goodness/i am doubtful or mistrusting of my ability [and by extension, of their ability]

because kids deal in spirit and they are not fooled by pretty, empty packages

which causes you to rise to their occassion and step your game up and fix your inside shit so that they can have strong foundations from which to spring forth and blossom and discover

which truly causes you to spiral headfirst into adulthood if you weren't there already [if adulthood may be defined as the point in space time where you are not in denial about the impact of your presence in the universe/about the interconnectedness between all things/and about owning the weight of responsibility for all of your actions, be they small or large, good or bad]

i pray that every single one of my kids grows up to know fully their purpose and shine brightly and spread love and consciousness and healing

i pray that my presence in their lives and the presence of our school in their lives truly serves to buffer and protect them from the negative incantations of a society that says that they can't because they are

too poor
too black
[too brilliant]
[too wonderful]

'Teacher, I want Mommy' and other fun ditties

School starting Monday has been exhausting/stressful. I'm part of a founding team of a brand new school, so we've been working long hours to get systems in place and debrief EVERYTHING. I'm also brand new to teaching itself.

It's been real.

Realer than real.

I've done all this prep for differentiating work for all levels of learners...for dealing with kids with attention deficits and learning disabilities...but the shit you learn in books or secondhand from someone else just never compares to what you deal with when ur in a real live kid's face.

*Sigh

I haven't been able to quite process/articulate much of anything about it yet, but here's a first try

*Alot of kids are STILL crying for their mommies when they come in the mornings (today being day 3). But we're talking about kindergartners and first graders here, little people who don't even have their motor skills on right yet
*I used to not believe in ADHD for real until I met this kid in my class...who WILL NOT SIT STILL...
*I didn't know how I felt about the whole uniforms biz (wasn't against it, but wasn't exactly partial to it, either) but seeing them all in their burgundy and sky blue is the cuuuutest thing in the world. They're sooo little
*Well, most of them are. There's a few that make you go 'whoah are you surrre you're in the right class???'
*A beginning 'kids say the darndest things' list
-'Teacher I have diarrhea!!' -->a kindergarten boy, whilst taking a routine shit as teacher (me) stood outside about to have a heart attack
-'I like the white one, she's nice' -->multiple kids, whilst describing a bohemian white male teacher with shoulder length brown hair who they haven't quite figured out is a dude
*There are roaches in the building in the daytime...not okay. Not. Okay. And not fun when a critter disrupts a lesson on classroom management
*The first nine days of school (the days before labor day, when school starts for most kids in DOE-department of education in nyc-schools) is focused largely on routines and getting kids accustcomed to school culture. So I have to be all stern and threatening to kids so that they know how to behave in school when they're really making me melt on the inside with all their cuteness
*There are several readers in my class (that's pretty damn good for K), but one of them is far, far advanced. I almost think she could be in first grade
*Then there's another kid...who loooves getting in trouble and being on the teacher's bad side because he's starved for attention...OMG this kid drains my energy by noon. Thing is if it wasn't for his constant 'yikes! yellow' behavior (sigh...color coded behavior chart...perfect purple, good green, oh no! orange, yikes! yellow...kids start on green everyday) I could focus on his uber cuteness. he's so darn adorable
*There is exactly one white kid in the school. He's too cute. It's also too funny how much he sticks out like a sore thumb. But he doesn't quite seem to know that he's 'different.' He doesn't seem to think that he's out of place around the shitload of Black/Latino kids that make up my school.

In other news, I feel my body beginning to finally adjust to this new schedule so i'll be back on my explore nyc ish again soon i think. Yay!