thoughts

i.

i love people who write.

Just a random thought. Writers are so introspective and often really quiet. But there are always storms brewing beneath their quiet veneer...always always. And they may not say anything but boy when they write it [whatever /it/ may be] out...when they spell out what they are thinking and feeling inside...you can just get blown away/you just get amazed. It's why they are so loved by me.


ii.
Growth.

This has been the theme of my existence for quite some time. I feel like i've just been so changed, so much more matured and so...chiseled. Yea thats it I feel like the past few months has been a /chiseling away of/ process for me, like shit has just been falling off of me that wasn't sustainable for grown womanhood. Like I've been stepping into myself much more fully, or like I've been a crushed and folded flower that is slowly opening itself up to the sun, expanding into my fullness and it is truly beautiful and I am truly thankful for the universe's many blessings, even the ones that come in full disguise to test my resolve and my...grownness

Like...I think I just felt so lonely/misunderstood for so much of my adolescence...tortured and confused and doubtful and afraid and unwilling and unable to see truth and beauty and love and light...and I'm counting college as part of my adolescence...in fact like I've mentioned before on this blog by some definitions adolescence lasts until about 25 since this is purportedly when the brain fully matures...but I think that I am at the end of that cycle...or maybe I'm at the beginning of the end...but things just look/feel/taste/smell so much different from this point of view

[ 1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child: now that I am become a man, I have put away childish things]

I've just lately been feeling so much more at peace...or so much more ready to make peace with myself...much more willing to claim the light

[now we're moving from the darkness into the light/this is the defining moments of our life india.arie]

i think it's because i've been


iii.
teaching.

i've been teaching. i've been growing in my teaching. it's been amazing/sacred/artful/consciousness opening and an honor to be entrusted with lives the way i have. i learn something new everyday about myself or the world or human nature. yesterday my heart was warmed when my co-teacher told the kids that i was going to be out on january 20th...and they sighed and said "aww man!"

it was so cute. <3

in teaching i've been blessed to discover and truly contemplate and meditate on the idea that the things that truly matter are the things that are inside of you...your character...your spirit...your intentions...your heart

[you teach who you are]

when i teach my shit is spread wide open for the kids to see and access and influence and be influenced by. i've learned that it doesn't matter if externally my shit is tight/my hair is perfectfully coiffed/my clothing is impeccable/my speech is fluent and filled with empty euphemisms

if inside my shit is not tight/my heart is bleeding/i am at war with any part of myself/i am losing sleep or health or goodness/i am doubtful or mistrusting of my ability [and by extension, of their ability]

because kids deal in spirit and they are not fooled by pretty, empty packages

which causes you to rise to their occassion and step your game up and fix your inside shit so that they can have strong foundations from which to spring forth and blossom and discover

which truly causes you to spiral headfirst into adulthood if you weren't there already [if adulthood may be defined as the point in space time where you are not in denial about the impact of your presence in the universe/about the interconnectedness between all things/and about owning the weight of responsibility for all of your actions, be they small or large, good or bad]

i pray that every single one of my kids grows up to know fully their purpose and shine brightly and spread love and consciousness and healing

i pray that my presence in their lives and the presence of our school in their lives truly serves to buffer and protect them from the negative incantations of a society that says that they can't because they are

too poor
too black
[too brilliant]
[too wonderful]