I think one reason why I have changed blogs so often in the past (created new ones while abandoning old ones) is because sometimes when I read past entries and compare where I was when I wrote the entries to where I'm at...I get kind of embarrassed. I looked through some of my old entries in this blog. Embarrassing. Lol. But...I'mma rock with it. No need to judge myself. I reserve the right to type personal, weird or cryptic public journal entries, because that's where I'm at sometimes...
...and because if I don't get out what I'm feeling (no matter how immature, or unevolved, or silly those feelings might seem) somehow, then I'm keeping secrets...I'm keeping things bottled up when I should be airing them and dealing with them in the light so that they no longer ring true for me. Secrets lead to shame, and are connected to shaming...I don't like shaming...I'm trying to get rid of the effects that societal shaming has had on me...
I don't like keeping secrets, though having been brought up in a society based on deception and shaming, of course I have many. I think having this blog and communicating with others through this blog is one way of undoing the learning and training I've received surrounding the keeping of secrets. It's a very small way, and I don't even completely unveal myself at all times in this space, but I think it represents the taking of baby steps for me. One of my life goals is to be completely open and secret-less...but maybe that'll take a series of lifetimes, not just this present life...but hopefully I'll at least come nearer to that goal than I am today by the time I'm 80...
I think that we hide and keep secrets because we are afraid of judgment from ourselves and others, but what if we all just came clean about the truth of who we were?? Then we could truly begin to heal from whatever it was we were so afraid of disclosing. And at the end of the day, we're all going through the same shit, to paraphrase Lauryn Hill.
And recognizing that I sometimes use the "we" tactic when I want to continue to hide from myself, let me rephrase that whole spiel:
What if I came clean about the truth of who I am?
At all times?
Completely?
100%?
In every situation?
No hiding, no primiping, no posturing, no covering-up, no pretending to be "Ms. I got allll my shit together, what's wrong with you?," NO B.S...
Would I...
lose friends...
lose family...
lose my social standing...
lose my job...
lose my life...
What would I gain in return?
On the other hand...are some secrets just necessary? And how do you learn to tell the difference?
Hm.
2 comments:
i think EVERYBODY goes through this, whether it's with a blog or a diary. anytime you keep personal writings over a period of time, you'll look back in utter shame. lol. but it's good because it shows how you've grown!
i also think it's good to have some secrets because honestly, in some cases, there are people who will take those pieces of you, misconstrue them and try to use them against you.
but yea, i think the secrets i kind of hold nearest & dearest and probably haven't even been completely honest w/myself about are more than likely kept out of fear...
how you tell the difference is more than likely based on how much you are comfortable w/losing? Just my 2 cents...
hmmm....most of the time we keep secrets out of fear of how the truth about us will be received, fear that whomever we share with might in turn use what we have shared to hurt us...fear in general compels us to live secretively, and to that end, living fearlessly would entail living without secrets.
but i don't think living that way entails walking around with a sign on your back that says "this is what's going down with me today"...i don't know, it might not start with learning not to keep secrets. it might start with reteaching ourselves to trust someone enough to be a witness to our truth.
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