A short paper

So I'm cleaning off my desktop as I prepare for graduation (May 11th!). I found this short paper I had to write for my positive psychology class last semester. The end part--the resolution--is BS, classic stuff you gotta write to please some Hampton teachers, but the beginning definitely pinpoints where I was, spiritually, at the time.

Much has changed, I feel.

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Positive Psychology
November 13, 2007

When I took the Brief Strengths Test last September on a website called “Authentic Happiness,” I was not surprised to learn that my top five strengths were identified to be “forgiveness and mercy,” “creativity,” “curiosity,” “love of learning,” and “kindness.” I believe that I display each of these traits fairly well and fairly consistently. I was very surprised, however, to learn that my lowest strength – out of a possible 24 – was considered to be “spirituality.” Even though I have eschewed most mainstream forms of organized religion for the past five or so years, and had wavered between agnosticism and atheism in the past year, I had always thought that I was a reasonably spiritual person.
To me, spirituality was not necessarily about taking part in rituals that expressed the mainstream conception of divinity as being separate from and above creation, but it was about recognizing the absolute interdependence between all things in the universe (and beyond, if there is anything beyond this universe). It was about the understanding that we are all connected to one another, despite any facades of difference we might express on this plane. Ever since I had given up the regular practice of Islam, the religion that I was born into, my spiritual journey had included reading books by Alice Walker – my favorite author on the matter – trysts with the I Ching , astrology, crystals, dream catchers, and the Buddha. “I’m always contemplating on how I am functioning in the wheel of samsara ,” I thought to myself. “What d’ya mean that my lowest strength is spirituality?”
The Brief Strengths test identified “spirituality” as “religiousness,” “faith,” and “purpose.” It was easy for me to see how the religiousness factor did not fit into my life, but it was much harder for me to admit that over the years, my sense of faith, direction and purpose had slowly been eroding. Even though I had collected a sizeable number of sound bytes to explain my spiritual orientation to anyone who inquired (“I try to be more spiritual than religious” or “I believe in the all”), in actuality my spirituality was much more a function of intellectual processes than something deeply felt. Though I professed to be a spiritual being, in truth, I had been feeling deeply abandoned by any and all things spiritual. “If this spirit stuff was really true, then whoever or whatever allowed for my existence wouldn’t allow me to feel so unworthy, so unloved, and so lost in the world,” were my most secret thoughts. After reflecting on the test and the ensuing emotions, I wondered why I felt so inferior so much of the time. In an attempt to get to the heart of the matter, I decided to be open to any spiritual instruction that might come my way to open my heart and change these destructive beliefs.
About a couple of weeks ago, a few of my friends held an event called “BCP Breaks it Down: a General Introduction to Alternative Consciousness.” At one point, all of the participants meditated to a tape of positive affirmations from a company called “Think Right Now.” This may sound cheesy, but the meditation proved to be just the medicine I needed. I noticed an immediate shift in my thought patterns, and my acceptance of the one spirit that I believe pervades us all. I have read in many psychology texts, including a text by Dr. Williams, that positive affirmations and meditation are useful tools on the road to radical self-acceptance and self-esteem (which may be understood as a facet of spirituality since it is all about one’s sense of purpose). How true I have found this to be! I now meditate to the tapes regularly, and I am finally on the path to feeling, and not just thinking, spirituality. I’ve finally realized that it’s something that takes willful practice, and not just intellectual acknowledgement. Hopefully the next time that I take the Brief Strengths test, I’ll score a little higher on the spirituality aspect.