Ah. Now I Remember

why for you to increase i must decrease??
if i treat you kindly, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M WEAK
you hear me speak and think i won't take it to the streets?
i know enuff cats that don't turn the otha cheek
but i try to keep it civilized like menelik and other african czars

--l boogie

Yea. I'm perpetually dealing with the problem of folks misunderstanding what having a kind word to say about almost every situation I'm involved in means on an energetic level. Constantly dealing with folks who think it's ok to disrespect me, or leave me out of shit, or look down upon/condescend towards me, or just generally treat me shitty.

And...I'm tired of it.

On some real shit. I'm tiiiired of it. Sometimes I wonder if I have to project something different, change who I fundamentally am on a personality level just to get some fucking respect in this world?? Or be treated like a grown ass woman? (Not implying that I'm like, 25 or above. But I'm relatively grown...at least enough to be treated like I can hold my fucking own!! Which I can. Even if I do make young mistakes from time to time.)

I tell myself--I want to believe--that there is nothing wrong with projecting openness, with being thoughtful in how I interact with folks of all stripes, with being nice, with being emotionally available, with pausing before I say something that has the power to deeply hurt someone *in anger* (not to say that i believe in ignoring my anger. cuz i don't.). There's nothing wrong with being a person who is like me, essentially.

But fuck if I haven't had one too many person openly disrespect me because of it. >:(

I tend to take a while to display anger or rage to someone, or else I tend to walk away from situations that can be explosive rather than explode. But it's not that I don't get angry. I have all the same feelings that any human being has who is in touch with themselves and the world. I just handle and process my anger and my upsets in a way that lots of people are trained to disrespect or ignore or try to abuse--most of the time at least. Some situations make me so immediately angry that I blow up in the moment and surprise even myself. But I have that right, shit. Fuck.

But folks don't understand that

1. I'm not stupid and can understand-clearly-when you're trying to PLAY me to the left
2. I don't consider you my friend if I peeped game and noticed you *attempting* to play me to the left
3. Just because I can be civilized towards you-despite you *trying* to play me to the left-doesn't mean that my eye ain't on you. That you haven't been seen. And that I'm not tuning out when you pretend like you respect me cuz you probably want something from me
4. I don't believe in being your friend if you one day decide to change your mind about me-if you one day decide that i'm cool and worthy of your respect, after all-but don't address the time that dark, dark day when you tried to PLAY me and thought you got away with it because I was kind. Shit you gotta come correct...and truthful.

Patience. Compassion. Kindness. A gift and a curse.

I'm patient, I'm forgiving, I'm loving. But I don't take kindly to anyone hoping to engage me from a standpoint of domination or take advantage of those aspects of my being. AT ALL.

Bed time.

-beware of the false motives of others/be careful of those who pretend to be brothers/and you'd never suppose/it's those who are closest to you...to youuuuu...