Change of plans?

Random:

Yesterday I realized that I really wished I was an English major. But then I chatted with my roommate, and she reminded me that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why I'm in Psychology, she said. I just have to find it.

Sophomores. I swear they know everything. (I'm serious- sophomores really have been dropping knowledge on me lately! Go head and just put me in my place why don't ya lol.)

Now, for a more serious conversation.

Yesterday I also spoke with one of my mentors about leadership. I had expressed all the frustrations I had with constantly being in an adversarial relationship with the administration. I was just feeling so TIRED of battling. Last year, I had been in so many newspaper articles because HU refused to recognize a gay-straight alliance that I and others have been trying to get passed for years now. (In the article that went to the Associated Press, I was "anonymous," but I must say the AP did not do a good job of making me anonymous, though that's for another post.) None of those articles seemed to do anything to budge the administration, but what they DID do was make my fam really upset. It was to the point last semester (and the beginning of this one) that I no longer wanted to do the work necessary to get the gay-straight alliance officially recognized on campus. I was really affected by how my family viewed me- it seemed like my work was costing me too much. Frustrations, tears, my family acting really really embarrassed and really hostile about what I was doing- the whole nine. I know that my family felt like I had disrespected them by doing this work and being public about it, and it really bummed me out there was a perception that I was doing this out of hatred for my family.

Even though I really care about ending homophobia, I know that for my family, the sort of alliance building that I've been trying to do on campus is deeply immoral. And as much as I may disagree with them, I never wanted to come across as hating them (my own flesh and blood!). In an effort to rectify the situation and lessen the embarrassment that I know my family feels, I basically shut off when I got back to HU's campus. What's the point, I wondered, of constantly battling with the administration and losing the respect and support of my family? I'm a senior, I need to concentrate on graduating! But gradually I opened myself up to the fact that as a senior, I would have to at least pass the torch on so that the students who will still be here when I leave will have something useful to work with. I have to be sure that I have truly done my part to make it easier for the next folks who take up this work, or who will benefit from this work. So I met with some folks and we planned our first meeting for next week. But I was still dealing with low level feelings of frustration. I was still ambivalent about how much I wanted to put myself out there. So I spoke to my mentor.

"What do you feel about leadership?" I asked. He seemed puzzled, so I explained, "I understand the usefulness of leadership in some situations. But it just always seemed so weird to me that we have systems set up where the main jobs of folks is just to follow. Shouldn't we encourage folks to think for themselves and not follow others? Won't there come a time when leading is outmoded? Is it really always needed?"

I asked a totally philosophical question that didn't even address what I was really feeling, what I was really frustrated about, and yet he just seemed to know what I was really getting at. He seemed to know that I once had secret feelings of abandoning a project that had basically become my baby because the cost of keeping it felt so great.

So he goes, "Let me ask you a question. Are you an elitist?"

It was funny, because I had just been pondering whether or not I was an elitist because I wanted a career for myself, not a job, even though I wasn't quite sure yet what career I wanted.

"Um. I try not to be. But I don't know," I said.

"Do you want to be the best that you can be?" he asked.

"Yea..."

"Do you want to strive to meet your maximum potential?"

"Yea..."

"Well guess what? That puts you ahead of a lot of people. That makes you an elitist. I'm an elitist, too. But I understand the angst you're going through. It took me a while to accept my own position. 'I'm down with the people,' I used to tell myself all the time. It took a teacher of mine asking me the same question I just asked you for me to begin to understand.

"You're right that good leaders shouldn't discourage people from thinking on their own. And all leaders have their flaws. But real leadership is not about the self, it is not about being egotistical. It is recognizing that there are things that need to worked on that are bigger than that. Look- Coretta Scott King just died this year. You don't think Martin Luther King would have wanted to live at least until now? You bet he did. But he knew that there was something bigger. When you lead, you make sacrifices because it's not about YOU. It's about serving a higher cause. Leadership is about service. And it falls on you because there is no other way for you to live comfortably in the world.

"When you go down this path, when this path calls you, you will lose sleep. You will lose hair. You will lose weight. There will be sleepless nights spent thinking about what you're up against. People will think you're crazy half the time.

"But of course, you have to decide if it's something you really want. You have to decide it you will be comfortable living any other way. You have to figure out how much you really care. And if it's something you really want, you can't be mediocre. But 40 nights alone in the wilderness is a long time for one who doesn't really want the path."

The he told me to read DuBois' "The Souls of Black Folk" for more insight into leadership. He loaded me with articles and books to read, and then he said,

"Too whom much is given, much is required."

Then, almost jokingly, "I don't know if I answered your question."

Something in me clicked. I realized that I really have been blessed with SO much. I consider my education- both in the academic sense and in the "real world" sense- to be fairly top notch. Not perfect, not complete (never complete, I'm sure), but so far, so good nonetheless. I have met many people, I know many theories. I have worked in a variety of different environments. I was homeschooled until the 8th grade, which equipped me with critical thinking skills that proved to be useful enough for me to graduate first in my class in public high school. But my "specialness" is not innate. It's not an essential quality of "Sia" that just self-generated. I am a construction. My parents are both college-educated Black people who have been challenging someone's status quo for at least as long as I was alive. They have always gone against somebody's grain, and this is a legacy that I definitely have been left with. I have been worked on by so many different people, so many different experiences, so many different books and ideas, and I know that had the circumstances of my birth been different for me, I might be a totally different person.

I realized that all that shit that my present set of circumstances allowed me to learn and be exposed to would be wasted if I didn't have a way to share what I have learned. It's all wasted if I'm not applying what I've learned in a way that will make life easier for those who didn't get the things that I got. I have too much to share within me, and if I DON'T get it out, it will eat me alive. If I sat here KNOWING in my soul that the deeply instilled homophobia that pervades our culture is horribly wrong and deeply hurtful, but still I dropped the ball that was thrown to me (for "a reason"- which one, I'm still not sure) and chose not to do anything about it, I would be highly uncomfortable. I might turn heavily in the direction of drugs or partake in other self-destructive behaviors to deal with the discomfort.

I realized how deeply I had misunderstood the position of one of my friends, another person on whom leadership had basically fallen because in her case, she couldn't live comfortably knowing in her soul that racism was killing our people and not do anything about it. She had information that she needed to get out, that she needed to share with others. But at the time, the concept of leadership still felt uncomfortable to me; I still didn't quite *get* it. Even now, I know I have much to learn. But I now know that when I misunderstood the leader without, it was just indicative of how much I misunderstood the leader within. (As above, so below.)

So yea, I basically have re-committed myself to this cause because I really do care about it. And I really do care that the information that I have is passed on in a meaningful way to the students who will still be here when I leave. I love my family so much, and I don't want them to think that I'm fighting this cause because I have less than loving feelings for them. But ultimately, I know that what I'm fighting for is bigger than all of that. It's so much bigger than me.

"If everything must go, then go, that's how I choose to live."
-Lauryn Hill